When our first child was born someone told us to write down all the cute and funny things she said so that we wouldn’t forget them. I have never been so glad that I took someone else’s advice. I published some of the crazy things that have come out of my children’s mouths a couple of weeks ago. After 10 years of parenting, we have a LOT more…here are a few of my favorites.
When sisters attack
Layla: Mom, Sydney hit me.
Me: Sydney, no hitting!
Sydney: I didn’t hit her, I punched her!
Me: Well, would you like it if she punched you?…(silence)…Sydney?
Sydney: I’m thinking about it, hold on a second.
Gwendolyn: Raise your hand if you think I’m beautiful!
Sydney: I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
Sydney: I’m a little scared that there’s a black bear in my closet.
Me: Ok, I’ll shut the door. Bears can’t open doors.
Layla: Well, bears are pretty strong.
Me: Layla, hush. Don’t worry Syd, there’s no bear, and if there was one that fit in your closet it would be too small to break the door.
Sydney: Ok mom….
Layla: You know, bears are good diggers.
When you realize your kids are holding a grudge
Sydney: Once there was a handsome prince named Daddy. And there was a mean witch named Mommy.
Me: Hey! I don’t like this story so far.
Sydney: (Sigh) It’s just pretend, Mom. So Daddy and Mommy had a baby mean witch named Layla….
Sydney: I love you, mom.
Me: I love you, too.
Sydney: You’re the best.
Me: Aww, thanks, baby.
Sydney: And you’re the nicest mom ever…well, you’re a little mean. But I still love you.
When they pass the buck
Me: What’s all this sticky black stuff on the floor?
Sydney: I think a bad guy snuck in and sprinkled it on the floor, then snuck out again before the dogs could smell him.
Me: Huh. Makes sense.
Me: Whoa…what happened to your room, Gwen?
Gwendolyn: It’s a mess.
Me: I see that. Why is it like this?
Gwendolyn: Daddy did it.
Sydney: I don’t like you.
Layla: Mom, Sydney said she doesn’t like me!
Sydney: No I didn’t, I said it to a bad guy! He’s invisible.
Me: See Layla, it’s just the invisible bad guy again. No worries
When they think you’re getting old
Me: You know, when I was a kid, we couldn’t fast forward through commercials. We had to watch them.
Layla: Really? You rode in carriages too, right?
Layla: I’m going to wear this outfit.
Me: No, that doesn’t match.
Layla: I think I know fashion better than you, mom.
When they win the conversation
Me: In a few minutes I have a friend coming over to have a conversation, and I need you to stay upstairs and play for a little while and not interrupt. Ok?
Sydney: What if a giant shark jumps really high out of the ocean and crashes in our window and you don’t notice. Then can I interrupt you?
Me: Here’s your milk.
Gwendolyn: I don’t want that cup, I want the one with the pink lid.
Me: What’s wrong with the orange lid?
Gwendolyn: It gives me bad dreams.
Gwendolyn: What about my milky!
Me: We’ve talked about this. That’s not how you ask nicely for your milk. Take a moment and try again.
Gwendolyn: …PLEASE can I have my milky…(whispers) because you forgot it.
Me: Why are you so upset?
Sydney: Gwendolyn was in the bathroom with me, and left the door open so everyone saw me!
Me: No one was in there, so no one saw you.
Sydney: An imaginary friend did!
Me: Your imaginary friend saw you in the bathroom?
Sydney: No, someone else’s imaginary friend saw.
Sydney: Mom, are you scared?
Me: A little bit.
Sydney: Well don’t worry. God is with you, and my shoes light up.